


Just Me, You, and The Trees.

by Aesthetically_sad



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Broken Clarke, Calculating raven, Cold Clarke, Depressed Clarke, Depression, Determined Lexa, Endgame Clarke Griffin/Lexa, Eventual Clarke Griffin/Lexa, Eventual Happy Ending, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, I Don't Even Know, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Mental Breakdown, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Sad Clarke Griffin, Scared delinquents, Wanheda Clarke Griffin, Wanheda is real, Why Did I Write This?, Worried Lexa, healing clarke, it takes awhile, no beta we die like grounders, slowburn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-19
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-10 02:49:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 13,799
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27626336
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aesthetically_sad/pseuds/Aesthetically_sad
Summary: Clarke runs from her people and finds her self back at where she lost her last bit of innocence. Haunted by Ghost and herself , Clarke must learn how to be herself again with nothing more then herself, her once lover and the trees hiding them from enemies waiting to strike.Read along to see how Clarke heals herself and learns to love again.
Relationships: Clarke Griffin/Lexa
Comments: 21
Kudos: 81
Collections: Clexa





	1. Running back to the start.

**Author's Note:**

> So ive been planning a healing clarke fic for a while and i randomly began writing it so here you go! Comment your thoughts and ideas please cause i have barely any idea where this will go. There will be heavy mentions of depression and suicide ( depending on my mood sh too) in this story so take this as a tw to be careful when reading.
> 
> This story like my others will also be posted on FF.net.
> 
> Also i don't own the 100 but you already know that!

The wind is cold against her warm, blood soaked skin. It blows her hair and the color changing leave gently, like a lover brushing a strand of hair behind your ear. It calms her relentless soul enough for her to breathe normally, but her heart still races and her mind is still plagued with their faces.

_ And oh god their faces. _

Burnt and bloodied, a look of heartbreaking terror in their melting eyes. They follow her, chase through the trees right behind her. Their hands reach out with ill intent but they never touch her, always falling short. She could feel the smaller ones, the innocent children, clawing at her feet. But when she looks down to see what's there, all she sees is the uneven ground and flashes of their begging eyes. How they looked at her like she could save them.

_ If only they knew she was the monster that did this. _

Apologies slipped off her tongue even though no one was around for her to apologize to. The small part of her brain, the one that told her she was overreacting, being too emotional, told her that she needs to stop. Take a seat against the towering trees and breath the cold air into her overworked lungs and just  _ breathe. _

But that part of her was small at the moment, too overpowered by the rest which screamed at her to pull the trigger of the stolen gun she has tucked into her waistband.

_ Pulling that lever made her like this, maybe pulling this trigger can fix her. _

But whenever she stops, her feet slipping over disregard sticks and animal bones, she’ll put her hand to the gun and his face would come rushing back.

How he looked at her so be treated, funny considering what he was doing to her people, how his son’s stunned gasped sounded over the static of her radio. She’ll replay it over and over, stuck in the dirt like her feet were planted there like the crops grown by the farmers, with burning tears flowing down her cheek.

Eventually, when her tears begin to feel like acid and her breathing gets too erratic, the small, old, part of her wrestles for control. She wipes away the tears like they’re just water not the bolling acid she feels and she leans against a tree and calms her down. Then she’s running again.

  
  
  


**_~A~_ **

**_Two days later._ **

Clarke stares up at the abandoned mountain with something awfully close to dread pulling at her stomach. She doesn’t know why she’s back but every time she turns away to leave, to get away from this hell on Earth, her feet stay still, betraying her. 

“I don’t want to be here.” She whispers tearily to the wind, to herself, to the trees and the birds, to anyone insane enough to listen.

Her body is cold now and the blood has dried off and is beginning to peel. It makes her stomach churn.

She falls to her knee clumsily and wraps her red stained hands around her arms, hugging herself like she wishes someone else would. 

She glares at the metal doors with a chilling fury, a rage so hot it turns icy.

_ “You did this to me.” _ She spits out hatefully, the tears that have been threatening to fall from her dried up eyes finally breaking free and falling. “ _ I wasn’t a monster before, I was one of the good guys.” _

**_“Maybe there aren’t any good guys.”_ **

Her mothers words flow through mind, getting stuck on the almost disgusted tone she had been trying to hide. Clarke can't blame her either, who would willingly tell a monster that they’re evil?

“I tried to be good,” she breaks like ice being trampled on in the Azgeda nation, so easily and so messily. She falls apart in front of the metal doors, closed and hiding the radiated bodies slumped over the use to be stainless floors.

_ Your hands used to be stainless until you bathed them in blood. _

She wants the voices to go away, she wants everything to go away actually. The trees, the birds, the wind and the tears, the blood and the agony, she just wants to be away. Far, far away from the deceivingly beautiful mountain that plagued this Earth since long before she was born.

The mountain with the pretty, pure snow white tops and the evil nightmare deep within it’s depth.

Hunched over, holding herself in a heartbreaking away, she shatters. A being once so whole becomes so broken that the Earth itself begins to crumble with her.

Rain begins to fall from the once clear, shining skies, and soaks her down to her bones. Thunder roars in sync with her sobs and lightning flashes with every beat her heart skips. A storm of pain, a storm of broken alliances, a storm washing away the last remains of a girl once so happy, so filled with love. 

Existing has never been this painful before. Existing shouldn’t feel like a chore she wants to refuse to complete.

Her teeth clatter against each other as her body shivers violently. She rises off her muddy, bruised knees, almost slipping in the process, and shuffles uncaringly towards the door. Her mind turning numb to the heap of pain this place brings. Her only thoughts are about getting out this downpour that mimics her emotions to a terrifying degree.

She stops, her eyes focused blankly on the keypad she needs to use to gain entry. She goes over everything she’s learned about Mt. Weather, looking for a clue to what the passcode could be.

Then it hit her, Monty had whispered something to her before she left. Something that she stored away, deeming unimportant in the moment.

_ ‘Nothing he says is unimportant.”  _ She scolds herself, feeling even worse for dismissing her friends unnoticed help because of her own suffocating emotions.

_ ‘He’d understand, he would forgive you..’  _ The old her whispers to herself, not that it matters. Forgiven or not it doesn’t excuse deeming something he said as unimportant, worthless. Monty didn’t look at her like a monster like everyone else did, even though Bellamy tried to hide his distaste, he deserves more than her.

**_“I’ll miss you Clarke, 6724, take care and hurry home.”_ ** He had whispers into her ringing ears as they clung to each other like they were each other's lifeline.

‘ _ You left him, he cared for you and you left him like trash. You don’t deserve his faith, his loyalty.’  _ Something cold, merciless, mummers into her ear. Something she doesn’t recognize.

Swallowing, which burns her dry throat, she punches in the numbers and prays to the spirits the grounders believe in for this to work. 

She hesitates before pressing enter and waits with a bated breath. If this doesn’t work then she’s stuck in the rain, in the cold, in the open. 

Luckily a beep sounds out around her seconds later and the scratched metal doors opens with a squeak that gets drowned out by the violent storm above them. Sighing in relief she jogs in and closes the door, safely inside her own personal hell.

It’s dark now, with the dim outside light no longer streaming in and the overhead lights shut off. It’s pitch black wherever she looks and it makes her panic rise. 

Stumbling forward in a frenzied rush she drags her hands against the wall to the right of her, searching frantically for a light switch. Almost halfway down the hall the motion lights turn on, blinding her with their intensity. 

A sigh of pure relief leaves her chapped lips as she slides against the closet wall and huddles into her protectively. Resting her weary head on bruised knees, ignoring the mud she feels settling onto her equally dirty face. Staring absently at the lifeless gray walls holding this hell up and her mind begins to drift.

‘ _ Why did I do this?’  _ A flash of the pile of bodies in the meal room swim past her eyes, ‘ _ Why did I do this?’  _ Bellamy's lost and agonized look burns her, ‘ _ Why did I do this?’  _ Lexa’s soft “May we meet again.”, breaks her.

Tears spill out her eyes and splash onto the rough concrete floor beneath her. Her eyes sting at the sudden liquid filling them, and she instinctively blinks until it's nothing more than a passing pain.

“I didn’t mean to hurt everyone,” She stutters out in between her broken sobs, “I didn’t mean to do this.  _ I just wanted to help _ .” 

She wants to scream and so she does. It echos around her, bouncing off the walls and slamming back into her. She gasps desperately, pulling her legs closer to her, trying to get as much air into her lungs as she can. . Her heart beats loudly in her chest as her body shivers against the non existent breeze. Faintly, she remembers her mothers lessons on panic attacks and realizes what's happening to her. 

“ **_You need to get them to breathe, clarke.” Her mothers drills into her young, blonde covered head._ **

**_“But how do I do that?” she inquires curiously, watching as her mother writes down her notes in a frenzy._ **

**_“It differs, you can try and get them to count backwards with you to distract their mind or, if they are comfortable with it, pull them to your chest and get their breath to match yours.” She mutters absently, her eyes narrowing in annoyance at her notes._ **

**_Her small head tilts to the side, her braided hair falling with it, “Can you show me one day mommy?” She asks softly, seeing her mother is getting annoyed._ **

**_It did no good, she snapped anyways. “No.” She denies sharply,” Now, go bug your father.”_ **

**_Dipping her head to her chest, hiding the tears her mothers harsh words bring, she runs towards her daddy._ **

Her breath shutters at the memory she had forgotten, thankful for what she learned but hurt by the way her mom brushed her off. The dismissal only fuels her growing thought that she means nothing.

“100, 99, 98, 97, 96…….” Her voice drifts off as her heat calms and her eyes begin to drop. Blinking rapidly, she tries to keep herself awake but it doesn’t work and eventually she gives into her body's demand. Besides how bad can a little rest be?

  
  


**_~A~_ **

_ She’s running from something. It claws at her feet and nips at her head, with claws as huge as her arms and a body bigger than anything she’s ever seen, Clarke feels a fear she’s never felt before. _

_ Dashing around a corner she flinches at the blinking light above her. Each bout of darkness brings another ghost for her to see when the light returns. Finn, Dad, Wells, Atom, Tris, The Mt. men, the grounders at the dropship. They surround her, creeping forwards every time she turns around frantically looking for an escape which doesn’t come. They creep closer and closer and she can smell the breath in their rotten mouth. _

_ She crashes to the ground, begging. _

_ “PLEASE, I DIDN’T MEAN TO DO THIS!” She screams out til her voice is hoarse and it hurts to breathe. The ghost claws at her skin relentlessly, immune to her cries of mercy. They rip away skin and muscle until she's nothing but a pile of bones and pain. _

_ Her intact blue eyes shutter close as her head falls onto the ground, the ghost having gotten full of their revenge and wandered off. She stares, dazed and in pain, at the flicking lights above her as her eyes drift closed once more.  _

_ She paid the price of what she’s done, but her past still, and will forever, haunt her. _

**_~A~_ **

She jolts awake, triggering the motion sensor lights. Gasp upon gasp spills out of her mouth as she shifts around relentlessly, making sure no marks marr her once smooth, pale skin.

Once she makes sure she’s alright she drops back onto the wall behind her, eyes staring darkly down the hall.

“I should get some food and water.” She mutters absently, lifting her hand and taking a quick sniff at her under arm. Shivering in disgust at the smell of copper, sweat, and dirt, she drags herself up and looks for where they keep their showers.   
  


**_~A~_ **

She finds them easily, having memorized the layout of this hell hole as soon as she escaped with Anya.

Thinking of Anya makes a swarm of guilt fill her body and she rests her heavy head against the shower wall where she stands numbly under the steaming water.

Sighing she lets her mind drift away and remember the few moments she spent with the strong willed General. How her dirty blonde hair shined when the light hit it right, how her eyes glinted with a challenge when they fought at the river, how her smile looked when she covered her with mud. A flash of her giving Lexa Anya’s braid storms across her mind and she whimpers.

Her thoughts lead back to Lexa, they always do. 

Clarke lets her mind replay the last positive memory they shared, how soft Lexa’s lips were when she kissed her, how her forest green eyes shined with admiration and hope and as Clarke's hand drifts lower on her body a quick flash of Lexa’s dark eyes when she abandoned her startle her out her hazy mind. Her hand drops to her side in shame.

Her eyes tear up quickly but this time she refuses to let them fall, tired of feeling weak.

“ **_Emotions don’t make you weak.”_ **   
  
Her own naive voice drifts in her ears and her cheeks warm with embarrassment. How could she be so naive, so... _ stupid.  _

A feeling of intense anger or annoyance (she’s not quite sure which one) drives her emotions into haywire. Screwing her eyes up she spins around, thankfully she doesn't slip, and slams her hands into the soaked fall. One hit after another she doesn’t even see the blood that begins to drip down her wet body.

Punch after punch, she puts all her emotions into her fist and with one last hit she falls onto the fall in a lifeless heap.

_ ‘So much for not crying.’  _ She thinks bitterly as her emotions get the best of her and she drifts off into another restless sleep. 

Her last thought before falling into another nightmare is ‘ _ And may the world have mercy on my wicked soul.” _

_ While stuck in her unconsciousness mind, Clarke remains blissfully unaware of the grounder reporting back to his Heda about the girl with sun kissed hair returning to the Mountain she conquered.  _

  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	2. Chapter 2: The Reflection in Her Glass Eyes.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa learns about Clarke's whereabouts and decides they need to have a chat and Clarke gets a visitor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here's chapter two!
> 
> Be safe everyone, hope you have a good Holiday.

**_Chapter 2: The Reflection in Her Glass Eyes._ **

  
  


The tent flaps of the broken down village flow gently in the low breeze. Grounders of all ages are milling around, picking up destruction from the recent storm or working on rebuilding what they can from the missile attack. Children run gleefully around with practice sticks strapped at their hips, hiding from their first.

Inside one of the tents is the commander, sitting regally on her wooden throne surrounded by her loyal subjects. They kneel around her with their heads bowed in respect, their weapons hanging uselessly by their sides and on their backs.

One lone Warrior stands in front of her relaying all he has seen of the leader of the Skai People. He tells her of how she stayed crouched in front of that dreteched place for almost two hours, unmoving and if it wasn’t for her staying upright he would believe that her soul had left her.

He tells them in hushed tones how hoarse and pained her voice sounded as she yelled to the skies in her obvious agony, and how the gods answered sending the storms as a sign of moving on.  _ She had called to the Gods and they answered _ . His broken english as he repeats word by word what she screamed to the sounds forgein in his mouth but he preserves, knowing he has to tell his Heda _ everything. _

He tells them in worry about how she shuffled so lifelessly towards the metal doors, like her mind was gone and her body controlled itself. And when he's done he, with permission from the young girl sitting worriedly on her throne, tells them his thoughts on what has happened to the once head-strong wheat haired leader.

“I’ve seen this before..” He tells them quietly, with slight despair in his rough voice, “when people who went through hard battles lose themselves. They may have won but they never returned.”

His obvious concern for the girl he never met, but saved him and his people, is staggering.

Heda swallows her worry and throws her mask firmly into place, knowing there is no time for her useless emotions, “And you believe she will never return, that she is as good as gone?”

The thought of Clarke being nothing more of a lifeless husk makes her want to cry out, makes her want to rage and beg for forgiveness.  _ She never meant to turn her into this. _

The hunter looks around nervously, her void tone rings every alarm in him but he has no choice but to answer, “Not without help, not without support.”

“Support?” Ryder interrupts, he’s seen the girl before having trailed after her on his Heda’s orders and he can’t imagine her needing support with something like her feelings. She’s always been sure about one thing, and that is what she feels.

“Sha, support that she will not find in that wicked place.” He spits out hatefully. “Those ghosts can not help her.”

Lexa tilts her head to the side while she slips the dagger strapped to the side of her thigh out and twirls it in her confident hands, something she’s done a million times by now. She thinks of what she could do, wishing to help the sky girl who made her feel things she hasn’t allowed herself to feel since Costia. 

‘ _ Costia…what do i do?’ _

The commanders are silent in her head, which they normally are, and she knows that she will have to make this decision on her own. No help from those before her. She weighs the options in her head for a few, long minutes before nodding her head, her braids moving just slightly with the small head movement.

“I believe…” She trails off while stabbing the dagger lightly onto her throne's chair before standing, “that Clarke and I are due a chat.”

Her toneless voice brings no concern to her followers but her wishing to see someone who was just painted as unstable does. Nothing good will happen to someone seeing the person they left for dead, no matter how good their intentions were.

“Heda, do you think that’s a good idea?” Indra can’t help but to ask concerned despite her order to remain silent. Her question opens the floodgates and soon the tent is filled with overlapping questions.

“Heda you dont-”

“Heda this isn’t-”

“Please reconsider-”

Her raised hand shuts them up just like the hundreds of times before. Her once cold, emotionless face tinted with annoyance is what keeps them quiet.

Looking at them passively she asks sarcastically, “Do you think she will be able to hurt me?”

Glancing around knowing that despite how she asked Lexa expects an answer. Steeling her nerves she decides that since on one else will answer she might as well.

“Sha,” She whispers out, attracting everyone's curious eyes immediately, “She may have a gun, Heda. You are strong but we are powerless against those  _ beasts _ .” 

Lexa pasues, her mind had forgotten Clarkes usage of those specific weapons. She had, for some unknown reason, saw Clarke as one of her people and her people used weapons of honor. She will have to keep that traitorous thought of Clarke being her’s in check or their talk will end differently then she hopes.

“I will be fine.” She tells them anyways, filing away the thought to wear hidden amour around her chest just in case. 

Seeing that no matter how many concerns they voice, how many possible truths they tell her, she will not change her mind. Once it’s made up there is no changing it, unless you’re Clarke. The pale girl had a nact for changing Lexa’s mind.

“Dismissed.” She states absently, making her way towards her pitcher of water. Pouring herself a glass she lets her mind drift to the last time she was in a similar position, listening absently as her subjects file out as ordered. 

She feels faintly how Clarke’s soft hands held tightly onto her waist and pushed her onto this very table. She remembers the silent, almost embarrassing moan she let out at the feeling Clarke taking control invoked in her. She thinks about how  _ good _ she felt as her lips danced with the blondes. Feeling herself heat up in a very familiar way, she stops to listen to how busy her people seem to be. Hearing how quiet they are she determines that mostly everyone has stopped and is most likely getting lunch. She glances toward where her furs lay and decides a few minutes taking care of herself won’t hurt.

Putting her glass down gently she wanders over to her furs for some alone time.

**_~A~_ **

Lexa leaves her tent later in the evening with slightly rustled hair and shifted clothes. Sending Ryder, who waits patiently outside her tent, to get her horse ready, she walks off.

Walking over towards the training pits where she knows Indra is, she runs over a mental checklist of what she has packed and ready.

‘ I  _ packed hidden amour, food, clothes, and art supplies for Clarke,’  _ She remembers passingly how Clarke once mentioned that she likes to draw and hopes to offer the supplies as a peace offering, ‘ _ go alone but have someone sent to the mountain if i'm not back within the scheduled time.’  _ She reminds herself.

Pausing she watches as her loyal warrior fights against her healer, Nyko. She takes in the small delayed reactions, and how Indra winces slightly as she stretches her hand out to strike. 

‘ _ Has she been hurt recently?’ _ She wonders idly.

Taking in the glistening sweat on both of their worn out bodies she decides to call this spar to an end.

“Indra.” She says loudly, waiting for them to stop and turn towards her with bowed heads.

“Come.” She states before spinning away and towards the table in a steady, slower pace than normal. 

“She, Heda?” Indra huffs out falling into step with her.

“I’ll be leaving now, I want you to look after everything while I am gone. Send someone to me if needed.”

Indra nods,”How long shall you be gone?”

Lexa pauses to nod at the young stable boy before heading towards Ryder who is waiting patiently for her at her mare.

“A day for most. If I'm not back within two, you are to come looking, understand?” She asks seriously.

Indra nods again, thinking to herself,’  _ at least she’s somewhat open to the idea that she may not return. I can’t tell if that’s a good thing or not though..’ _

“Is there anything else, Heda?” She asks respectfully.

Lexa nods, “Go fetch my bag off my throne.” The  _ please  _ isn’t said but is heard anyways.

Once again Indra nods before turning and leaving.

‘ _ All this nodding is starting to make my neck hurt. _ ’ Indra thinks absently, rubbing the back of her neck soothingly. 

  
  


**_~A~_ **

  
  
  


The ride to the mountain was short and uneventful. The most exciting thing to happen was her horse stopping to piss, and of course who was unknowingly waiting for her.

Thinking of Clarke, as she slides off her horse and ties him to a tree she begins to wonder how mad she is with her. Her eyes that rival the light blue ocean as the sun rises were filled with rage and pain as she turned her back on her. She remembers how deep the breatal ran over her marred face as she whispers “ _ May we meet again.” _

Lexa hums as she stands patiently in front of the metal doors wondering how to get in, “ _ Looks like we’ll meet sooner than you hoped, Klark.” _

**_~A~_ **

Clarke stares at the wall of tv taking in the rooms she didn’t pay much attention to last time she was in here. She focuses heavily on one screen in the bottom corner. She can’t identify what she's feeling but she knows she doesn’t like it. The heat she normally associated with anger, the security she associates with love and home, all wrapped up into one big mess of emotions.

“What are you doing here Commander?” She whispers softly to the empty room. Glancing between the door and the screen she debates on what to do. On one hand she could just ignore her, Lexa can’t get in unless she puts in a passcode she changes earlier, or she could go confront her. Yell and beg for answers that she wont get, and if she does my won’t like them.

She sighs tiredly, her dones pull down her weary body and she wishes she could go back to the warm bed she slept in the night before.

_ You kill them then sleep in their bed, what's next? Stealing their clothes? _

She wrenches her eyes shut at the return of the harsh voice haunting her, ‘ _ Please go away.’ _

The voice doesn’t answer her pleas but it never does. It’s times like these that make Clarke believe that she finally went insane.

“You’re hearing things Clarke,” She glances back at the regal looking girl behind the camera, “and maybe you’re seeing things too.”

She frowns at the thought, she doesn’t know whats worse, imagining Lexa or her actually being here. 

_ You drove her away Clarke, with your stupid promise for a someday. _

Her eyes water and she launches herself out the cold chair and runs out the door. She runs widely around the ghost filled halls, seeing the hands reaching for her and the eyes burning into her back. The knowledge of Lexa’s presence slips away and all she’s left with is the suffocating feeling of all the air in her lungs leaving her.

Something flicks in the corner of her eyes and she spins towards it with her hands raised in a sign of fear. What she sees makes her breathe catch and her eyes to blur. She shakes her head widely in denial.

“You’re not real, You’re not here.” She chants, backing away from the smoke covered man. His dirty blonde hair looks white as he moves closer and his once warm filled eyes are covered by the gray mist surrounding him like a thin blanket.

She feels her back hit the wall behind her and she slides down while cowering into herself. With her no longer moving he reaches her quickly. Stretching out his callused, not fully solid, hands and rests them on her shaking shoulders, he ignores her flinches and pulls her closer to him. His body becoming solid enough that her body doesn’t make his flicker for the moment.

He holds her so lovingly, so tender, that Clarke can almost forget that he isn't here. She can feel the memories from the mountains that has been haunting her for days fade away, becoming nothing more than a hazy feeling tingling in the back of her mind.

"You're not real." She states honestly, disappointment and bitterness coating her words like the blood on her hands.

He shakes his head, dirty blonde hair falling over his wrinkled forehead.

"I'm not," he whispers to her, even dead he can't hide anything from her, "but you can pretend. You were always so good at pretending." He tells her softly, remembering how he used to make her go play 'pretend' everytime he and Abby fought over the stupidest of things.

So much precious time wasted on pointless things, pointless fights, if only he knew what was to become of him. Maybe he would have spent more time  _ living. _

"Yeah, " she scoffs out, "be a good girl and play pretend for daddy."

The angry, harsh words bring a look of pain over the old man's face.

"Anger isn't like you Clarke..." He tells her gently, like he was dealing with an active bomb.

_ And like a bomb she exploded. _

"AND NEITHER IS MURDER BUT I STILL DID THAT, DIDN'T I?" She spits out venomously, breaking from her farther warm embrace, all signs of her earlier breakdown melting and becomes one with her anger.

"DIDN'T I?!" She repeats ferociously, her finger coming up to poke at his chest. Upon contact his chest dissolves slightly, like smoke after a prye, but reforms quickly as she pulls her hand back like it was burnt.

"You did it for your people..." He reassures her, " you did it because you had to.. "

She scoffs again, a hard look coming across her pained face.

"And it did a load of good didn't it? I mean they can't even look at me anymore?!"

He looks at her disappointedly, "Well you never gave them a chance to, did you?" He acusess.

Her breath catches and her anger drains away. Tears fill her eyes at the accusation but she blinks them away rapidly. 

"You're supposed to help me.... why are you doing this?" She questions desperately. His presence doesn’t bring her comfort like it use to, just pain and longing. 

He ignores her, "You left before they could even think about helping you. You never gave them a chance. They were just tortured and you didn’t even stay to make sure they were ok.”

Clarke clenches her jaw and shakes her head, “I-.. They looked at me like I was a monster..” She explains.

“Only Jasper did Clarke, the others looked at you in gratitude,  _ in love. _ ” He whispers, his earlier harshness calming down. “ _ You saved them.” _

A sob tears itself out of her throat before she coils stop it. She doesn’t want to listen to this, she doesn’t want this false hope. Tearing off one of the now clean boots, she throws it at him with all her might. It passes through his chest and his image flickers widley before fading away.

_ “I’ll be back…” _

**_~A~_ **

A low beeping sound brings Lexa out of her head. Turning away from the confusing piece of tech she comes face to face with the door she’s been trying to open for the last hour. Stepping back a few feet she watches with a bated breath as the door opens halfway and a cold looking figure steps out.

“ _ Klark..” _ She whispers out in relief, logical she knew that Clarke was alive and mostly okay but seeing her calms her something she didn’t know even needed calming.

Clarke lifts her head and pushes her freshly washed hair behind her ears. Their eyes lock and it takes every bit of strength Lexa has not to gasp.

She’s never seen Clarke this lifeless before, the blank. It tears at her heart and she has to blink away tears. 

“May we talk?” Lexa asks after a moment, her voice soft in ways only Clarke can make her feel.

Clarke blinks, breaking their unintentional staring contest, and nods.

_ “Well you came all this way..” _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wonder how their little chat with play out.. 
> 
> So any suggestions for any side parings? For people like Raven, Octavia and Monty, i'm open to anything!


	3. Chapter 3: The Words Left Unspoken.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke and Lexa talk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For some reason i couldn't write this chapter how i imagine it :(
> 
> To everyone who is reading this, Thank you! I can't even begin to describe how happy i am that you guys are reading this.

Chapter 3: The Words Left Unspoken.

  
  
  


“ **_Well you came all this way…”_ **

**** Following after the tense and silent blonde down the various, cold hallways of the Mountain allowed Lexa time to collect her scattered thoughts. Every possible outcome flashes across her mind and she can’t get them to slow down enough to figure out which one she should hope for.

‘ _ I suppose any outcome where she doesn’t kill me is what i should wish for.’  _ She muses, glancing at the shivering girl infront of her. 

Her mind takes in the place that holds her people's greatest enemy, having never seen the inside.

‘

‘ _ Used too , til Clarke got rid of them.’  _ The earlier voice reminds her, not she needed reminding. She couldn’t forget what made Clarke act like this even if she wanted to. Glancing once more at the girl in front of her she makes a mental note to ask Clarke, if the girl doesn’t snap and kill her, how she did. How one girl, who can’t even shoot a bow, could take down something her people have been fighting against for almost a century. 

Staring at Clarke stiff back she can’t help to imagine how different the position they would be in if she hadn’t taken the deal.

“It’s not polite to stare.” Clarke tells her bluntly a few minutes later, coming to a stop outside a regular, for here at least, metal door.

Lexa coughs and turns her head to look at the wall in infront of her instead, “I apologize.”

Nodding, Clarke opens the door and leads them into an obviously used room. Looking around she takes in the shattered bandages and sheets of paper with random sketches. She frowns when she notices the trashcan in the corner shows no sign of Clarke eating.Her eyes narrow at a suspicious, dark red, almost brown stain on the small cot, as a frown pulls at her lips.

“Have you been sleeping here?” Lexa asks before she could stop herself, which is unlike the normally controlled brunette

.Clarke pauses from where she's been setting up to metal chairs for them to sit at and nods.

“..Is it always this cold?” She whispers when she sees Clarke shiver lightly, after a few moments of silence. She remembers how icy the rest of the mountain was, how many mirrors are windows they passed, looked they had been frozen and how if she paid enough attention she could see her own breath in tiny, white clouds.

Clarke looks at her in confusion, which worries her.

“I didn’t even realize..” she trails off, just now realizing the full body goosebumps. Her stone mask falling slightly before being slammed up again.

Her frown becomes more prominent as she sets her off the shoulder bag on the floor beside her and begins unbuttoning her long coat. Pulling it off, she walks over, ignoring the way Clarke tenses up, and sets it gently around her shoulders. Taking in Clarkes face up close she aches to swipe the small piece of hair that had fallen in front of her face on their tense walk here but the hostile look entering her icy blue eyes makes her step back.

“I don’t need your help.” Clarke spits out, reaching up to tear off the cozy, bear furred coat.

“Please Klark...you’ll freeze.” This causes Clarke to pause, though the hostile look doesn’t leave, not yet.

“I thought the Commander didn't say please,” She spits out before continuing much quieter, “ _ I know they don’t apologize.” _

“I will not apologize for taking the deal Clarke, you would have done the same.” She tells her with narrowed eyes and tense shoulders, seeing this as the attack it was meant to be.

Clarke looks up at her and the hard look in her eyes almost makes her back up but she forces herself to stay still.

“I’m not mad that you took the deal.” She tells her honestly, and what a shock that is.

“Y..your not?” Lexa stutters out in shock.

Swallowing Clarke stands from her crouched position and absently slips Lexa’s coat fully on, which causes the smallest of smiles to grace her lips. Clarke walks away and busies herself with straightening up her messy, temporary room.

“Clarke? What upsets you?” Lexa asks pressingly, inching forward. Clarke lets her.

“What would you have done?” She questions coldly, turning around to look at her, stopping her with the hard look engraved upon her face. 

“After you sacrificed my people, what would you have done? When the Mountain men left their home and rained missiles down upon your people,  _ what would you have done _ ?” Her anger, her betrayal, practically drips off her tongue and bleeds put her eyes.

“I-..” Lexa stutters out confused, she has no answer for that and Clarke knows that,  _ which she takes advantage of. _

Clarke takes a small step closer, “They would have killed all of you,” She pauses, a dark look takes over the anger and hurt in her eyes as a humorless smile forms on her lips, “No, not all of you. I mean how else would they survive.” She doesn’t explain further but she doesn’t need to, Lexa knows what they would have done to her people, held them as prisoners until they agreed to do their dirty work.

_ ‘They would have been slaves. _ ’ A male voice shrieks gleefully in her before the other commanders force the man back into her solitary confinement. The small appearance of dark heda puts a damper on her already worsing mood.

‘ _ I really need to find a way to get rid of him, for good.’  _ She notes to herself absently.

Lexa clenches her jaw, opening her mouth to disagree, Clarke cuts her off with another, more determined, step forward.

“They would not have honored your deal, they are not grounders Commander.” She spits out hatefully, causing Lexa to wince at the use of her title. Hearing it from her lips in this tone makes her feel.. _ wrong.  _ And she never feels wrong, not since she was given the flame.

“You’re not naive, so why are you acting like you are?” Clarke asks seriously, confusion and anger lacing her tone.

_ And there's the question she’s been dreading. _

She knows why she ignored the dangerous consequences taking the deal would have caused her. It’s not often she’s forced to admit something shouldn’t, and it occurs to her that lately every time this has happened it has been with the strong-willed blonde.

Clarke steps forward again before coming to a stop mere inches away from the brunette. Her shoulders slump tiredly and her, what should have been obvious, exhaustion practically radiates off her in waves.

“..you need sleep Klark..” She whispers out, finally noticing the growing dark circles under her eyes.

_ Tick. _

_ “ _ I understand what you’re going through, and i promise you will get through this..” She continues, her mind connecting the dots, feeling stupid as she does show.

_ Tick. _

_ “ _ I have nightmares sometimes too, if you come back with me to Tondc we can get you a calming tea to help. Maybe being back with your people will sooth you.”

_ Tick. _

_ “ _ I will not be returning.” Clarke tells her grimly, causing a panic to rise in Lexa’s chest. She remembers the scouts words, if clarke doesn’t get help she might not ever return. 

“Why not? Did you save your people just to leave them?” Lexa pushes, wanting, needing a reaction other than the dead and tired stare she's receiving. 

**_Tick._ **

**_And once more she explodes._ **

“WHY DID YOU LEAVE!? WHY DID YOU LEAVE  _ ME?”  _ She bellows out, her hurt so prominent in her voice that it aches.

“I-”

Clarke cuts her off with a hard shove into the wall, “WE WERE ALLIES, AND YOU LEFT ME TO DIE!”

“YOU PROMISED WE WOULD TAKE THEM DOWN TOGETHER!” Another shove, Lexa lets her.

“YOU KISSED ME THEN THROW ME TO THE WOLVES!” This phrase confuses her, while yes she did leave her at the mountain she has never once brought Clarke around any animals, besides the few horses and pauna.

“Clarke, I never threw you anywhere.” Lexa tells her, her face taking on the look of a confused puppy.

Clarke pauses, a smile tugging at her lips at the sound of Lexa’s confusion but she pushes it away. She stands still in front of the commander, her hands gripping her shoulders like it’s a lifeline.

“ _ You said you cared about me…” _

Lexa slumps against the wall sadly, her hand coming up to rest on Clarkes cheek. Feeling Clarke unconsciously tilt her head towards her calloused hand shouldn’t make her feel this warm but it does and she can’t find it in herself to deny this small, intimate moment.

  
  


“I.. I didn’t think you would stay..” Lexa admits quietly, something akin to shame mixes in her words and coats them with bitter hatred directed to herself.

“I do care for you Klark, and if i had known you would stay i wouldn’t have taken it.” She pauses, waiting for the blonde's reaction.

“Why did? Take the deal I mean.” Clarke questions, no longer as cold as she was just minutes before. 

“To save my people.” Lexa tells her honestly.

“...at the expense of mine.” Clarke spits out, pushing herself away. Her coldness returning so fast it’s a shock she didn’t get whiplash. Spinning around she walks over and sits one her cold, blood stained bed. Her bowed head rest heavily in her hands.

“I will not apologize for saving my people.” Lexa repeats.

“And i will not apologize for being upset that you sentenced mine to death.” Clarke states coldy, any earlier progress slipping away like it was never there.

“Klark-”

“Maybe you should leave, this conversion is just going in circles.” The blonde interrupts, slipping off the admittedly warm coat and handing it back. Surprisingly, the brunette doesn’t argue.

Lexa sighs and pushes the coat back. “Keep it.” She offers,” You need it more than me.”

Blue eyes stare at determined green ones, looking for something they won't find, some sort of hidden agenda.

**_Can’t find something that doesn’t exist._ **

**_“_ ** Very well.” She mutters, slipping it back on. Now that she’s aware of it she realizes that the mountain  _ is  _ cold.

“I’ll be back.” Lexa promises, missing the emotions flashing past Clarkes icy blue eyes. The blonde offers no response, at least not one she could hear.

“ _ I won’t be here.” _

_ “ _ I”ll walk you back to the door.” Clarke tells her stiffly. Lexa nods in agreement before following after her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Stay safe everyone!


	4. Chapter 4: Are You A Coward, Or Are You Pretending?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke leaves the Mountain and learns something about someone, something is going on in the ark and Lexa, with a small pep talk from a certain someone, is ready to fight for love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is a pretty small chapter.

Chapter 4: Are You A Coward, Or Are You Pretending? 

  
  


Clarke dances around the cramped room in a frenzy, picking up random bits of trash and junk she thinks will be useful. The urge to leave is so strong, so consuming it’s all she can think about. Her mind flashes with plans, ideas, and locations she could go. The bunker Finn showed her is off limits, too many memories, too many regrets. With a frown she realizes she doesn’t have anywhere to go.

“Who said I needed a set destination anyways?” She mutters to herself, “I can go wherever i want!” She insists to herself trying to ignore the relentless voice in the back of her head telling her she never belonged anywhere, _ she never will. _

She picks up a dark brown, tattered backpack from before the bombs and starts shoving the random things she has scattered across her temporary bed inside. 

“Clothes? Check, Bandages? Check.” She mumbles absently.

_ Running so soon? I can’t say I'm surprised. _

Clarke startles into a stop, “I’m not running! I’m just...just..” The bag falls to the ground and the few items inside tumble out, she doesn’t know what she's doing, she hasn’t in a long time. The ground has always had a way to make her feel so small, so utterly unimportant, it’s no surprise that feeling got stronger when she finally reunited with the ground.

_ You’re running, like a coward.  _ The voice spits out like venom, burning her, tearing into her already fractured heart and soul.

_ “ _ I am not a coward!” She denies angrily, her anger mixes with her sadness and grows and grows until it's a giant ball of pain  _ waiting _ . She’s never felt this much before, it scares her.

_ Then what are you?  _ It questions.

Clarke pauses, this is the first time she’s realized that she doesn’t know who she is. She doesn’t like how that realization makes her feel. She might not belong but the knowledge of knowing exactly who she was had always comforted her.

_ You’re not a healer anymore, not a leader, not a friend, and certainly not a daughter.  _

Tears burn her eyes but she knows how to stop them now. She clenches her hands and leaves unnoticed crescent shapes along her palm. The pain distracts her, clears her mind. It might not be healthy but it helps keep the ghost away and that's all she wants right now. To be alone.

“It’s easier to control your reactions when you’re not an emotional mess.” She muses quietly to herself, a smile pulling at her face but it lacks any of her normal humor. 

“I might not be any of those things anymore but that's ok,” She lies,” I can be whatever i want now.”

The voice doesn’t return. It always does this, comes to destroy her and leaves when it does. 

Sighing tiredly she picks back up the disregard back and begins to pack again, her face turning blank and her eyes clear of their earlier turmoil. 

‘ _ Pretend it’s not there and you’ll be fine. ‘  _ She repeats absently, like her daddy said, she’s always been good at pretending. 

There’s a pounding behind her eyes, and the walls look like they're moving but that’s ok, she’s safe for now. A princess locked away in her hidden mind palace, far away form those who wish to hurt her,  _ if only she could hide from herself. _

  
  
  
  
  


**_~A~_ **

It’s an ugly day, with gray and lifeless clouds and a bone chilling breeze. Winter is approaching faster than anyone would have liked. The wind pulls at their clothes, makes them yearn for their beds.

This kind of cold is different then what they are used to, in space the cold is lifeless but down on earth it seems to have it’s own mind. It attacks them, maybe this is earth's way of trying to rid itself of them. It’s almost like the Earth realizes what dangers this specific day will bring, it sets the mood in an almost terrifying way.

A dying fire is lit near a mostly empty corner and surrounds it are what's left of the original hundred. A single cup of moonshine is passed around, the only way they can distract themselves. A very needed distraction.

“...when is she coming back?” A young voice questions hesitantly, the tenth time someone asked this hour. Not that you can blame them, people tend to seek out those that they can depend on in times of uncertainty.

“I don’t know Harper, I don’t know..” A tall boy whispers back, his curly hair flat and his normally expressive eyes dull. It’s funny in a twisted way, how one person's absence can affect so many people.

“She’ll… She’ll be ok Bell, right?” Octavia questions from her spot beside Lincoln, she might not be happy with the blonde right now but she does still care for her. Her walls of confidence are knocked down at the moment, showing the vulnerable girl who's spent too much of her life locked away.

“She has to be.” He states almost desperately, “I don’t think we’ll survive if she isn’t.” A plea is hidden beneath his words, a plea to anyone, maybe the spirits the grounder seems to worship, maybe to the old world Gods, maybe to the very ground they stand on. Maybe, just maybe to someone who will help. 

_ Only time will tell who will answer his pleas first. _

And though he wishes to come back and save them like has done so many times before he knows she won't. They had taken too much from her, it’s time they fight for themselves.

As if to prove his quiet words a crack sounds across the still air of Arkdia, formerly known as Camp Jaha. 

“ Monty Green, Raven Reyes, report to the council room immediately.” A voice barks over the static, cold and harsh.

The remaining delinquents freeze, they know what that order means. They know first hand how this meeting will play out.

“Do as they say,don’t talk back-”

“We know the fucking drill already.” Mony snaps, interrupting Bellamy's secretly desperate begging. 

Bellamy pauses, staring at the normally reserved boy in shock. 

“We’ve done this thousands of times already.” Raven agrees quietly, using the silence his words caused to speak, accepting Monty's silent offer of help. Leaning on the thin boy she begins to hobble her way towards the broken apart ark. 

Looking over his shoulder not even stopping their slow pace, Monty makes eye contact with Bellamy and he practically begs, “Find her Bell, we need her now more than ever.”

They’re gone before he could respond. 

Looking back at the slumped over kids huddled together for an ounce of warmth he feels his heart break.

‘ _ I think i failed you Clarke…’ _

**_~A~_ **

After changing the status of President to herself, knowing even in her numb state that people will try to break in and use the disrecaged old world weapons for themselves, she sets out the loneliness that is the woods. 

The pounding behind her eyes has gotten worse now that she is exposed to the icy air outside the mountain, she notes absently while watching her footing. It would do no good for her to leave trails now, not when she’s running.

“I am not running..” she whispers to the trees, “I’m not a coward.”

“Well of course you’re not!” A warm voice jokes from behind her, causing her to starle. Spinning around sharply she comes face to face with someone she’s not sure she wants to see anymore.

“...dad…..” She breathes out.

“I didn’t raise a coward Clarke, I raised  _ you.”  _ He tells her seriously, though his words are delivered gently.

She swallows back the warmth his words bring, she doesn’t deserve them. She opens her mouth to speak but the narrowing of his eyes stops her.

“You deserve the world Clarke, I better not hear you thinking differently ever again.” He demands.

This makes her pause, her own eyes narrowing.

“Who are you?” She questions flatly, “How do you know what I think, why do you look like  _ him?” _

His brown eyes dart to the left, then back to her, before settling on a branch above her.

“I’m a friend.” Is all she says.

“A friend?” She asks, unimpressed. 

“I really am a friend Clarke.” He insist. 

“Friend of whom?” She interrogates.

“I’m afraid I can’t tell you yet.” He tells her, his shame obvious in the way he holds himself.

She clenches her jaw, her mind working miles per hour. ‘He says he’s a friend and he seems to be telling the truth.’ Her mind flashbacks to the way his body had disappeared with a simple touch… and a boot but that’s beside the point.

“....You’re not human are you.” She states blankly. The thought of talking to something that isn’t human makes her dizzy. Her head begins to feel light and she swears the world is spinning.

He raised his hand to the back of his neck sheepishly, “No?” He offers.

One blink. Then another before everything turns black and cold.

“Why do they always faint?!” A voice whines in the back of her head before she allows herself to slip away.

**_~A~_ **

Lexa slips back into her tent in TonDc just as the sun begins to fall. A sense of disappointment flows through her veins as she remembers the way their conversation played out. 

Walking over she drops her bag carelessly onto a table, not yet noticing what slips out of it, before walking over to the chest in front of her bed and pulling out a coat to throw on.

“At least i know she’s alive..” She mutters with a frown as she walks back into the main room of her tent. Sitting on her thorn she slumps over, her head held in her callused hands.

“I wish you would let me help you Clarke.” She whispers tiredly, not of Clarke but of her people.

‘ _ If only we didn’t owe anything to our people, we could have out someday.’ _

Remembering the way Clarke had whispers that promise against her lips makes a dizzying feeling of regret and bitterness to sweep through her heart. She had ruined the one chance she had.

“Maybe Titius is right, to be Heda is to be alone.”

A knocking sound brings her out her depressing thoughts. With a tired sigh she yells for them to come in.

“Heda.” Indra bows her head respectfully.

“Indra, what brings you here and not your home?” Lexa questions with a tilt of her head.

The tall general hesitates before answering, “I wanted to see if you’re alright.”

Lexa’s eyes furrow as a look of confusion is painted onto her normally stoic face. There is no need for her walls with Indra, her most trusted subject.

“Why wouldn’t I be?”

Indra looks at the strong woman with an unimpressed look, “You and the sky girl had a complicated relationship.” 

“We do not!” Lexa says defensively, whether about her relationship with the blonde being complicated or her implied feelings for her she’s not sure, but knows it’s probably both.

“You care for her, and she cares for you.” Indra tells her softly while inching closer.

“You cannot deny what you two have-”

“Had.” Lexa interrupts harshly, her mind flashing back to the hostile look in the blondes expressive eyes. Her mind replays the way Clarke pushed her away, the way she looked so casternfallen when she turned her back at the mountain.

“You cannot break the unbreakable,” Indra tells her sternly, ignoring the way she was interrupted, “ What you too seem to have is rare Lexa. It will take much more than one set back to break it.”

Hope begins to blossom in her chest, a feeling of determination sprouting in her mind. Seeing this Indra continues,

“Fight Lexa, fight for her.” She whispers, unknowing setting off a century worth of planning. Unknowing playing a part in having two souls made together reunited.

“ _ Fight for love, fight for Clarke.”  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jake isn't Jake......Plot twist? Lol, thank you guys for reading this, have a safe and happy Holidays!


	5. Chapter 5: "..And soon you will be too. "

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke has a conversation with someone and Raven makes a new friend(enemy).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know what hit me but suddenly i wanted to write the beginning of this chapter and once i started i couldn't stop! Anyways heres chapter 5, probably my favorite to write so far! Think of this as my gift to you guys ;)
> 
> Have a safe and Happy Holidays!

Chapter 5: "... **a** **nd you will be too. "**

The ground her slumped over body lays on is cold and damp. It's a startling contrast to what she slept upon just hours before, something she foolishly took for granted. Her mind was too occupied for her to realize just how good the conditions she was staying in before she left them. It makes her regret not being grateful, makes her wish she took more time enjoying it.

Her eyes are heavy but they're filled with tears, she's not sure why though, what's the point of crying when she's not even conscious of it? She knows she has to open them, to take in where she is, if she still has all her limbs.

_ Her mother would scold her for sleeping so carelessly out in the open. So vulnerable. _

With what little strength she has, taking a moment to offhandedly tell herself that maybe she should have eaten more, she opens her eyes. She blinks a few times, getting the sand like material that had crusted around her eyes away before rolling onto her side with a painful groan.

"If i don't kill myself this headache fucking will." She mutters, gripping the sides of her head and pulling at freshly cleaned locks. A morbid thought screams at her that maybe this will be the last time she's clean, that the scalding shower she spent huddled up on the floor would be her last. The thought might be morbid but that doesn't make her believe it any less.

"I would just bring you back if you did." Something, no  _ someone _ , tells her with a trace of amusement trailing after his words. His voice brings back the memories of, guessing on how high the sun seems to be, the day before. 

She sits up quickly, a wild look in her eyes that is reflected in her movements. She angles herself away from him, remembering exactly why she had fainted.

"Oh my fucking god i finally lost it..." She whispers out in shock, a bitter feeling nipping at her brain but she's too tired to acknowledge it, maybe she will when she's sane again. Then again, she alway has been the master of ignoring things about herself that she shouldn't.

If to prove her right a small pang of hunger makes itself known. She ignores it.

"I'm afraid my dear, " he tells her softly while taking a step back, perhaps he senses her need for space, perhaps he just wanted away from the crazy girl close to hyperventilating on the dirt a few feet from him, " that your mind is perfectly intact. Though your soul seems to be fractured. "

"..am I dead?" She finally croaks out, ignoring the soul part for now, after she gets her breathing back under control. She has to push away the thought  _ that maybe it's for the best if she was  _ too many times to count before it stays gone, she knows though that it will never truly leave her, too many times to be healthy.

His stance seems to soften, his eyes become a little warmer and his words a bit more gentle. Her words hit something in him, something she couldn't see.

_ "Not yet." _ A part of her whispers, one she didn't know about.

"No Clarke You're not dead, you haven't even lived yet." He tells her like he's including her in the world's greatest secret. His words vibrate in her ears, falling out the otherside before floating in the still air around them.

If that's all the world has to offer then she thoroughly disappointed.

"Wouldn't it be best if i was?" She can't help but to ask quietly, her mind flashes back to the melting bodies in the mountain, to the charred skeletons surrounding the dropship, to the people Finn killed, and something inside, something cruel and unfamiliar but also so familiar it  _ burns,  _ answers her before he could.

_ It would be better. No one can deny that you should have been floated Instead of your father. _

It's a shame that neither of them knew just how much people care for her.

"You have too many things to do Clarke, too many people to meet and hold captive with your charm, to many people to love for it to be your time."

".... when  _ will  _ it be my time?" She asks searchingly, something akin to hope blooming in her chest. Her death should make her this hopeful, shouldn't make her this desperate, but it does and at the moment she can't do anything about it. Not that she wants too.

  
  


" _ Not for many more summers,"  _ She can't help but to notice that his voice is different now that she's paying attention to it. It no longer sounds like her father did, it's more captivating, more confidant, and way more _ alive _ .

They're quite now, her longing for Death made them both withdraw. With this silence she takes note that the once so beautiful sounds of nearby birds chirping has died down. The only thing you could hear for miles is the sound of the gentle almost winter breezes mixing with dying leaves. The air chills her but she finds it comforting in a way that she probably shouldn't.

_ The cold has never done any of them good before. _

She's taken to seeing how white she could make her breath when he finally speaks, it scares her in a way, with how hesitant he sounds.

' _ Why would he be hesitant of a mere mortal?' _ She snarks to herself, a flash of the old Clarke is visible for a brief second before it's gone again.

  
  


"You have the right to  **_live_ ** Clarke, you more than anyone."

His words bring an ache to her heart as her mind once more takes her to the place of its current torment.

"... _What are you?"_ She breathes out, a hint of what seems to be fear? Maybe denial in her voice. It's too quiet for either of them to know.

He doesn't answer her, just locks eyes and stares at her with such an infuriating look it ignites every bone in her body. She's too tired, and maybe still too shocked, for it to last long though.

" _ Who are you?" _

  
  


**_"_ ** I'm the bringer of peace Clarke, I guide people to their final adventure."

"That doesn't answer my question!" His words confuse her, brings a familiar rush of annoyance through her veins, one she hasn't felt since before the mountain. It was… _ Playful _ in an annoying way.

" **_I am Death, and soon you will be too."_ **

**_~A~_ **

  
  


The air is colder than it was the day before, even more vicious. If yesterday day was an attack this is a war.

Those that used to be floating amongst the stars have begun to resent too cold. To them it marks nothing more than pain, loss and losing  _ her.  _

None of them could deny that they needed the grounders help anymore, though too many of them like to pretend that they don't.

Blowing across Arkaida is the same breeze that flows throughout the rest of this habited part of the Earth, the same breeze that flowed across the Earth since it's creation.

One room, separated from the other filled with smoke and curse words that would make even then commander blush at how vulgar they are, is where the world's youngest mechanic is currently working herself to her bones.

"I swear to fucking I will blow this place up if you don't work!" She growls out with a freighting intensity. Her hands slam down onto the long, cold metal table, shaking the various unfinished projects and sending her homemade crouches to the floor.

She looks at them blankly, a hint of bitterness bleeding into her gaze but she surprisingly remains silent.

"Want some help?" A voice questions from the what should be shut door, startling her from her thoughts.

Glancing over her shoulder she discovers a man, wick if she remembers correctly ( _ she obviously does) _ , standing nervously at the door.

"Help or get out." She tells him bluntly, too tired, too overworked to even try and be nice.

He does, picks up her crutches then makes himself at home on one of the many stools.

"I don't need company." Her hand darts out, she smacks a small metal object out of his cold hands, sending it flying across the cramped room.

"... rude." He utters, slightly shocked by her hostile behavior. Raven Reyes is many things but she has never been hostile, but anythings possible on the ground, right?

"What did you want? I need this done by yesterday!" She demands harshly, the memories of last night flashing across her blurry eyes, memories of how scared they look, how utterly _ broken _ Monty was.

_ 'If I get this done then everything will be alright _ .' She chants to herself, forcing herself to believe it, she's scared of what might happen if she doesn't.

"I wanted to see how you were doing. I know Abby has you doing a lot and I wanted to make sure you're handling everything ok."

The makes her pause, not the checking up but the fact that he calls her Abby and not Chancellor. 

".. I'm fine Wick, you can go now." She tells him slowly, a small flicker of suspicion flashing in her dark eyes.

His jaw clenches, and his eyes fill with frustration before he catches himself. Clearing his throat, he forces his face back into the friendly one he walked in with, praying she didn't notice his slip.

"I could help, if you want?" His offer lingers in the air as tension builds on her shoulders.

She takes a moment to study him, the pale skin, the combed back blonde hair and the carefully cut facial hair. He's hiding something, she can feel it deep within herself but for the life of her she can't figure out what.

"Chancellor Abby wants me to finish this alone." She answers eventually, her tone blank and her face emotionless.

She can see the gears turn in his head, ' _ Probably trying to figure out how to get me to let him stay.'. _

He unnerves her, makes her skin crawl in a way only few can do. She doesn't know him, doesn't want to if she's being honest but she knows that if she wants answers she'll have to eventually. She can tourtre him to get answers like the grounder would.

Resigning herself, she lets out one of the fakest smiles she can create, "Maybe next time."

She adds a flirty wink at the end, it works just like she wanted it to. She hates herself for it.

He smiles, full and  _ dangerous _ as he bows his head and says his farewells.

_ "Next time then. _ "

He lets out a more sinister smile the second his back is turned.

_For someone who studied him so hard she missed something vital._ _Hopefully it doesn't get her killed._

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...wow.... I wont lie, Wick originally wasn't going to be a part of this but once i stared writing Ravens part he had to be put in.
> 
> Sorry if there are any Wick fans reading this!
> 
> Let me know what you think! 
> 
> (Wear a mask!)


	6. Chapter 6: Learning Fates Secrets

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke and Death have a small chat and Wick makes a move.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! Happy new years!
> 
> I won't lie this chapter is incredibly shorter than i had planned, which im sorry for.
> 
> But at least i finished it! Ive had absolutely no motivation to do anything, certainty not for writing, but with a little bit of boredom and guilt for not updating i wrote this.
> 
> Anyways i recently started school again so i wont have to free time i had before which his make updating even harder for me. Dont worry though ill continue writing chapters even it it takes weeks for them to be posted!
> 
> Any questions ( that dont contain spoilers) will be answered in the comments so dont be afraid to comment! :)

Chapter 6: Learning Fates Secrets

  
  
  


Clarke rests her back on the towering tree behind her, the closest one she could stumble to with her jelly like legs. The bark of the tree is rough and she can feel the small scratches it's leaving on her skin but it helps her calm down. The pain grounds her. She lays her head back, distantly hearing a small, dull thud as her head hits the tree.

She can't believe she's doing this.

Her mind drifts away and loses itself in the conversation she had just moments ago.

For once her mind isn't focused on the blood staining her hands and the melting faces haunting her dreams.

**~A~**

" **_I am Death, and soon you will be too."_ **

Clarke looks up from her spot on the ground, her eyes drowning in the confusion, uncertainty, and the small bouts of fear.

"The fuck did you just say?!" She croaks out, stunned.

He tsks at her, shaking his head in mock disappointment.

"Such _ vulgar  _ language, I must say I'm disappointed." He teases.

"Again,  _ THE FUCK DID YOU JUST SAY?! _ " Her voice bounces off the trees and startles the neighboring birds so much they gather in the air and fly away.

"Careful Clarke, you'll scare away your dinner." He warns her.

She blinks once, then twice and flops to the ground.

"I've lost it." She mutters, staring at the cloudy sky above them.

"I've already told you Clarke, your mind is fine." His patience with her is astounding, though he can't help the small amount of annoyance that slipped into his words.

She doesn't answer.

Sighing, he settles himself beside her and begins to explain.

"There are dark times ahead Clarke. If not handled right it could mean very bad things for us, for you and your people."

"... how do you know that? I've done okay so far, who's to say I won't this time?" Her voice is distance, but she's, at the very least, indulging him and he can work with that. He  _ has _ to work with that.

"I'm not human Clarke, I can see things that others can't." He whispers, there's a hint of fear in his voice that chills her to the bones.

If something can scare  _ him? _ Who's some kind of  **_God_ ** , then maybe she  _ should _ be afraid.

"What….what did you see?" She doesn't want to know, not truly, but she has to. She has to know what will happen. Something inside, something fierce and protective, screams for answer but the one she gets doesn't satisfy herm

"It's not set in stone, nothing truly is. But…" he hesitates, "...but it's bad Clarke."

"A radioactive flame will burn the Earth, killing almost everyone. Eventually, after some useless wars, you and the other remaining humans will leave and it all goes downhill from there."

They sit in silence, it suffocates them but neither of them want nor are willing to break it, until….

"I'll help."

He startles, "You will?" He asks, surprised.

She takes a deep breath before nodding, "I always do what I have to, even if it kills me."

He looks at her with a blinding smile, "This won't kill you Clarke. This is what will make you truly _ live." _

Her lips hint at a smile with that.

"There's still a little bit of time before we have to begin your training, in that time I want you to reflect. Think about everything and everyone you've met."

She nods, she can do that no matter how much it'll hurt.

"I want you to heal Clarke."

"When will we begin?" She can't fathom why she believes him, why she even agreed to help but she feels, deep down within herself, that it was the right choice.

Her instincts haven't led her wrong yet, they wont this time.

"You'll know when." He whispers ominously, before slowly melting into the air. Tiny, shining specks float out from where he stood before melting and her eyes stayed focused on them, even when they eventually disappear.

  
  


**_~A~_ **

As the sun bleeds into the ground and takes away it's blinding shine, a young man slips out of his metal room and sneaks around the deserted halls of the crashed Ark.

His head occasionally snaps side to side at the small creaks and buzz of the surrounding wires and bugs. Paranoia flows widely in his veins causing his heart to race and sweat to gently drip down his body.

A small, muffled sigh escapes his chapped lips as his eyes connect with the sealed door, keeping him from completing his mission.

After a quick but careful glance around he presses the ID button that opens the door.

"Thank God they gave me access." He mutters with a small, cocky smirk.

Slipping in he quickly reshuts the door and hurries over to the overloaded table he and Raven sat at the day before.

Picking open random pieces of wires and fuses he makes sure to put them back in the exact way they were resting before.

Not seeing what he's looking for on the long, metal table he glances around the dim room, searching.

His eyes flick over the dull, gray walls and the cramped tight tables before a small, uninteresting box catches his eyes.

"Oh Rae," he chuckles arrogantly, "for someone so smart, you sure can be so  _ stupid." _

A look of dark humor is painted on his face as he walks over and carefully opens the box, his body angled away from the opening. She might have been dumb enough to leave this out in the open but she's certainly not dumb enough to leave it defensively.

A mini spark goes up the arm he has holding the box. He snatches it away with a pained hiss.

" _ That son of a bitch." _

Shaking his arm out, trying to ignore the pain that small spark brought he looks around once more. This time for protection.

" **_Remember boy, this needs to be quick. Get in, take the part, and get out."_ ** A voice reminds him in the back of his head.

A pair of dirty gloves laying halfway around a table catches his eyes and power walks over to them.

Quickly putting them on he hurries back to the box and opens it.

His smirk returns in full force as he slips it into his pocket and shuts the book again. Returning the gloves back to their spot on the floor, he quietly slips back out the room.

****

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll probably be editing the few chapters i have posted already this weekend bc when i was rereading it the other day i noticed so many.
> 
> If you live in the U.S (which i do) i hope you guys stay safe with whats currently going on.
> 
> Lol i cant believe 2020 started with a potentially WW3 and 2021 started with a potentially another U. S civil war.


	7. Chapter 7: With Night comes the Terrors

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke dreams, and no good ever comes from that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ... We gonna pretend is hasnt been almost a Month since i last updated....
> 
> Anyways! This is a short filler chapter and i want you guys to remember that this story deals with a lot of mental problems so if that sort of stuff triggers you please click off and read something else.
> 
> Have a good day and stay safe <3

Chapter 7: With Night comes the Terrors

The sun falls over the horizon, casting shadows over the ground. They dance with the gentle breeze as the leaves fall into it's rhythm. The earth is quiet as those dwelling within slumber.

A lone girl sits against the wall of a small, hidden bunker she found a few hours before, when the sun still shined and her eyes were a little brighter. She’s alone, which isn’t unusual for her, her tears were. Her broken cries shatter the silence so carefully built around her, tearing it down brick by brick the longer so let's go.

She's too lost in her head to even think about hiding her sobs.

' _You're stupid! Stupid, stupid, stupid...._ ' Her mind trails off as her memories begin to attack her once more. _They never seem to stop do they?_

Flashes of a tall brunette staring at her with sad, forest green eyes, a thin man wrapped around a sobbing boy with goggles hanging lifelessly off his neck, dark eyes of betrayal as the Blake siblings drive her away with their looks alone. The images cause her tears to fall faster, leaving burning trails down her red tinted cheeks.

"Why did you think everything was ok?!" She barks out harshly, her hands gripping her bruised knees to the point of pain. She’s trying to stay collected but she's failing miserably.

She had stupidly thought that when she agreed to be WanHeda that everything would be ok. A foolish thought really. Her life isn't a fairytale, some random man isn’t coming to save her and some random quest isn’t going to free her.

_You’re mine now, my shackles are unbreakable._

She wishes the voices would shut up longer enough for her to breath right.

"You're so stupid, so naive, what's wrong with you!" Insult after insult tumble out her lips as she attacks herself with harsh, unfair words. Her body curling into itself in an attempt to make herself smaller. Her body rocks back and forth, a normally comforting motion that does not sooth her in the slightest.

' _Everything will be ok_.' Shr tries to lie but it only serves to make the tears worse.

You could drown the world with the tears falling from her eyes.

Eventually, her body runs out of tears and when her eyes become too heavy to keep open, she lets her head rest against the wall behind her and drifts off.

**_~A~_ **

Everything's dark. Shadows slip around her and small flickers of light come and go with hope. The trees are much scarier when you can’t see them. 

Heavy footsteps fall behind her and her heartbeat quickens. She turns, feet almost tripping on the grayed bones laid unnoticed at her feet, and darts off in the other direction. Her feet pound against the dirt, sounding like drums from the old world in her ringing ears. Hot breath tickles the back of her neck and she’s too afraid to turn around and look.

Children dance around her, small, happy, _burning._ Their faces melt with each turn of their dance and their limbs fail with each stumble. Blood flowing down their legs and arms, hair falling out in clumps and she can’t take her eyes away.

_She did this. She killed them._

She doesn’t recognize them, not right now at least, but something in her head screeches at her that she did this. 

The _thing_ behind her draws closer and she picks her feet back up, sprinting forwards while ducking and weaving beneath branches and outstretched limbs.

_The memories have come back to play, and they brought no mercy._

She’s dreaming, if you can even call it that. She can tell by the flickering images of the dead, of everlasting darkness around her and the starless sky. She’s in a dream, one she doesn’t know how to wake up from. 

She’s stopped. Her feet begin to sink into the dirt and denials fall from her lips like prayers.

“NO, no please,” She calls out desperately as her legs begin to disappear within the earth, “PLEASE!”

Cry after cry, tear after tear, her pleas remain unanswered. 

She’s to her chest now, when something sharp grips onto her hair. Pulling upwards harshly, her body remains deep within the earth. As the hand forces her head back and a truly measuring breath hits her nose she can’t help but wish whatever has kills her.

She just wants this to end.

“You’re mine now **Clarke.”** The voice is low and gruff sounding like nails being dragged against a metal surface, it sends a shiver down her spine.

“...please..” Her voice is the opposite, quiet and soft. A calming melody but the complete terror heard in it distracts you from any positive thoughts.

“Death would be too easy for **_you.”_ ** The disgust in it’s voice caused her to wince. Deserved or not it still hurts to hear.

“I think I’ll make you live for now.” It whispers before plunging it’s sharp claws in her back.

**_~A~_ **

She wakes with a scream on her lips and blood on her hands.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ... Im not good at writing horror stuff sorry T-T


	8. Chapter 8: Realizations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke realizes how much she's letting the moutian affect her and Arkadia begins preparing for the upcoming winter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Valentines day!
> 
> Sorry for the slow update lifes been hectic rn.  
> School is piling up and ive had appointment after appointment.

Chapter 8: Realizations

  
_She wakes with a scream on her lips and blood on her hands._

With her shoulders tensed and her body arching away from the imaginary threat she jerks into a sitting position. Her breaths coming in pants and broken gasps. Her eyes flicker widely around the room searching for something she can't see.

"..what the  _ fuck?!" _ She whispers in shock, she's never had a dream that intense before.

Taking a moment to get her breathing right again, she shifts around before standing. Looking down she sees dark red blood scabbing on her wrists.

_ 'I must have aggravated my cuts while I was asleep.'  _ She thinks absently, one hand randomly waving around for her bag before remembering where it is.

With a sigh she walks back towards the rusted ladder leading out and finds her dirty back thrown on the floor, just as she distantly remembers leaving it. Last night was mostly a haze to her, having spent so much of it locked inside herself. 

Kneeling down she takes out a roll of bandages she stole from Mt. Weather and some rubbing alcohol that she guesses is left over from before the bombs.

"Can rubbing alcohol go expired?" She asks, her words getting lost in the silence around her. Deciding she doesn't care if it's expired or not she sets off to find some sort of bathroom to work in.

**_~A~_ **

Sitting on the toilet, staring absently at her wrapped wrist she lets her mind wander to the dream she had.

Her mind plays over the faces she saw, the fear she felt. She keeps the  _ thing _ chasing her as far away from her thoughts as she can.

_ 'I'm not stable enough to deal with that bullshit yet.'  _ She thinks numbly, her fingers outlining one of the bandages.

A deep frown works its way onto her face, her fingers coming to a stop.

"I shouldn't let what happened control me like this." By saying it out loud she realizes just how much that night has affected her. From restless sleep, self stained injuries, and voluntary exile, she changed her whole life by letting her emotions, her actions rule her.

Her frown turns into a firm line, determination sketched into the lines on her face.

"I'm taking my life back." She whispers to the world, to herself. Her backs straighten and her hands ball into fist on her lap. "And there's nothing you can do to stop me."

**_~A~_ **

' _ Why did I think this was a good idea?"  _ Clarke thinks, frustrated with herself.

_ Because you wanted to be more like how you were before, remember?  _ Something in the back of her mind reminds her, probably her conscience. Damn them, let her be moody in peace!

Pausing behind a tree to catch her breath, she takes a small moment to think. She went from sitting on a truly disgusting toilet to hurriedly running around that random bunker for her things because she impulsively decided to go hunting.

' _ I'm surprised i haven't run into a puna or something.'  _ She snarks to herself, knowing just how bad her luck is.

' _ Probably shouldn't jinx it. Or maybe you should?'  _ Her mind questions, before remembering just how strong the mutated gorilla is.

_ 'I want my death peaceful, not painful!'  _ She thinks before catching herself. ' _ Bad Clarke! No thoughts about dying.' _

With a deep breath, and after readjusting her small dagger she doesn't remember having a few days ago, she creeps out behind a tree and towards the small critter she was following seconds before.

' _ If that thing is small then I'm a grounder. ' _ She jokes, taking in the almost four feet tall… Rabbit?

' _ Ok, what the fuck is this thing? A rabbit?' _ It looks like a rabbit but all her knowledge tells her it should be smaller.

' _ Ive seen a two headed deer while am i more hung up on a fucking critter?' _

She stops a few inches behind the animal and slowly crouches down. Narrowing her eyes she lunges.

Grabbing the animal around its stomach she jams the dagger into its neck she pulls it, officially cutting its throat.

" _ Yu gonplei ste odon. _ " She whispers, watching as it dies out in her arms, ignoring the blood staining her long sleeved shirt.

"Wait, I did it!" She cheers quietly, pulling away from the animal. Letting the animal drop to the floor she jumps up and does a small victory dance.

"Hell yeah! Raven would be so proud!" She mutters with a grin.

Bending down she grabs the animals legs and throws it over her shoulder. With a quick glance to the sky, she sets off to find a place to camp for the night.

' _ Damn this thing is heavy.' _ She muses with a grin, the extra weight and strain in her arms putting no damper on her surprisingly cheerful mood.

**_~A~_ **

"You sure you know what to do?" Kane asks the young boy with a frown.

Bellamy rolls his eyes, "I've been on this planet longer then you Kane, I know how to hunt."

Kanes frown deepens at the boy's attitude, with winter approaching there isn't time for sarcasms anymore. They need people willing to work, not playful teens who dont seem to understand the importance of gathering resources for the upcoming season.

"I know that Bellamy I just want to be sure. We can't afford to lose anyone, we don't _ want _ to lose anyone." He explains tiredly.

"And we won't, I promise." Bellamy dropping the care free attitude for a moment, letting kane know that despite the jokes he is willing to help everyone survive.

Not that he wouldn't, he made a proimse to someone and only death will make him break it.

Sighing the older man nods and tells him, "Be careful.", before letting his hunting team leave the camp's gate. He stays by the gate well after they leave, eyes not leaving the forest until his duties pile up to much for him to ignore.

"We will be!" He calls back, jogging to catch up with the others.

"Soo Bell where to?" One of the men asks with a nudge. His face relaxed into a carefree grin though a hint of wariness shines in his eyes.

"To the woods dumbass, we need food." He mutters before stalking off, his mind stuck on a certain blonde running around the woods he's about to enter.

' _ I hope she's ok.' _ He hopes he'll see her but he knows Clarke will only show herself when she's ready. A man can dream though.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All it took was one bad dream and a random talk with Death for clarke to realize she needs to take her life back. I can't wait for all of us to see where clarkes journey filled with ups and downs will take her.
> 
> Anyways I've started posting some of my fanfics on Wattpad (tiny_froggy) though i dont normally read/write on their i wanted people who dont use Ao3 or FF. Net to have the option to read my fics as well.
> 
> Have a good day and stay safe! :)

**Author's Note:**

> ohhh~ lexa is learning her lovers whereabouts! Anyways see you next chapter!


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